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[05 Aug 2009|10:42pm]
I had a rare day off from physics today and I spent it researching Masters of Arts programs in creative writing. Apparently it's very difficult to get into a program: each school only has about 5 spots per genre per year for several hundred applications.

I already have ambivalent feelings about my writing: the process is what I live for, but my results don't get published and most people who read what I write give me a circuitous compliment about the content rather than the writing. And though writing isn't about recognition, my lack of stellar results kind of hints that I don't have a strong chance in applying to masters programs.

This isn't necessarily the end of the world, but it's something that I've wanted for some time and throws my plans for the next few years through a loop.
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A reminder and a confession [29 Jul 2009|09:51pm]
I have no aspirations or desires to go far in the medical field. I don't want to be a professor of medicine or biology. I don't want to be an administrator. I don't want to be a big wig at a famous university. I don't want to be a big name researcher. I just want to be an ordinary doctor who makes patients feel better.

This is a confession because I've always criticized people who didn't have ambition and settled for the mundane. And I just want a normal, happy life.

This is a reminder because I'm studying for physics and bombed the last test and need to remember that none of this matters. What matters instead if that I had lunch and dinner with fabulous friends and am living a charmed existence. And that happiness comes in many forms.
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[31 Mar 2009|12:40am]
We learned in Beginning Creative Non-Fiction that smell is one of the most underused, but also one of the most potent senses. When you smell something, it brings you back to wherever you were when you first smelled it.

Tonight I had an extremely hard day in the ER. Our waiting room was overflowing and spilling into the street, and none of them had come in for small matters. Today was our stroke day, with over 6 cases coming in during my shift alone. It was also metastasized rectal cancer day, where a tumor squeezed blood into a man's urine. It was gunshoot wound day. It was early-onset dementia day, where a man punched at his wife while he was getting stitches. It was diabetic neuropathy day. A man's foot had gone numb and become infected with gangrene to such a degree that everyone we consulted said, "eesh, that thing's gotta go."

Luckily, I left before they amputated his foot. It's 1AM now, and I can still smell the infection -- a weird, invasive, warm smell of soiled flesh and little hope. I'm tired.
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[05 Jan 2009|12:37pm]
My books for this term consist of a fatty-ass Textbook of Medical Physiology, an armful of Billy Shakespeare and some book on creative writing. I'm smiling so hard right now, I'm afraid my face will split in half.
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[25 May 2008|01:12am]
My roommate doesn't seem to notice my disinterest in hearing him talk about boys, or that I only grunt quietly when he tries to show me these boys' Facebook pictures. I would much rather replay scenes from Baby Mama (which was surprisingly adorable) in my head than hear about his latest conquest/disappointment.

My housemates have finally started to get annoyed with him as well. Some of them have called me a good roommate for being patient with him. However, I just finished reading Wicked and am seeing wonder how similar this is to Galinda's snobby friends telling her that she was a saint for dealing with the impossible Elphaba.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll ask him about his current obsession.

Today I trained my replacements for SOSAS. We hung out in a park until it rained. Adorable little dogs kept interrupting us and trying to eat my gladiator sandals. It was hard to resist throwing my training guide away and run away with them, screaming "Fuck it. You're on your own guys!"

We had dinner at an exorbitantly expensive and delicious yuppie Vietnamese restaurant. A part of me wanted to be offended that none of my comfort food staples were on the menu, but the other part of me was in too saturated with taste orgasms to care.

I'm kind of astounded at how fast things are winding down and that they are wrapping up so well.

In 3 weeks I will be home and in 15 weeks I will be in England.
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[17 Nov 2007|03:15pm]
I'm so happy to be home that I'm not even bothered by the fact that the first thing my family said to me was "God, what the hell have you been eating? You're so fat! Get on the scale, I wanna see how much you've gained!"
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[17 Jul 2007|08:55pm]
I think my stomach is trying to eat me from the inside out
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[15 Jul 2007|08:49pm]
My immediate goals:

1) Laugh more vocally, even/especially when alone - smiling and being amused on the inside might be more dignified but is so much less fun
2) Master at least 1 tennis NES game on facebook
3) Call people back after finals (sorry! am trying to isolate myself!)
4) Figure out exactly how far I can cover on my daily run
5) Make a mix CD for the morning commute
6) Learn to dance, seriously
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[09 Jul 2007|08:29pm]
I feel completely prepared for this test tomorrow. Which should totally be comforting, right? Only whenever I feel completely prepared, I usually bomb. I felt like I kicked my last test's ass and got the second lowest score in the class.

I've read all the notes, done all the pretests and practice problems...and am completely nervous.
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[01 Jul 2007|11:27pm]
I need to find some hospital/clinic to volunteer at so I don't feel so summer school doesn't make me feel so lethargic/useless.
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[29 May 2007|04:41am]
A lot of times at Stanford I feel like I've lost so much more than I've gained.

I am so thankful that tonight is not one of those times.

[21 May 2007|12:05pm]
I'm running an online survey to measure how internet communities affect lesbian gay bisexual transgender queer questioning and intersex teens. (Take the survey here and ask your friends to do the same:

I'm reading the results right now while holed away in the library (yes, it is only noon) and I'm finding it extremely difficult to not tear up. It's completely obvious to me that these online communities offer support that is otherwise lacking in most of our lives, but it's another thing to have someone tell you what they're feeling directly.

I want to open my arms and sob, "my brothers and sisters, come to me, let us hold one another in the comfort of the LGBT center and indulge in the safety of Nutella sandwiches." I want to skip writing this paper altogether and just submit these responses directly: "yeah? You wonder why we need the internet? This is why."
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[17 May 2007|01:45am]
William Carlos Williams rewritten in Mean Girls Dialectic:

Hi, Sweetie, I Just Wanted to Say

I might’ve drank
that double-shot, grande, mocha, frappacino
stashed in
the fridge?

you know, that
you always have
right after
your workout? (You totally look fetch, by the way!)

You don’t mind, right?
I was dying of thirst
and maybe you should consider
switching to diet?
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In the new century I think we will all be insane [17 Mar 2007|08:03pm]
I'm strangely calm, quite possibly because inevitable doom is much less stressful than impending doom. There is, after all, no mystery, no worrying, just...doom.
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[04 Jan 2007|02:15am]
I just spent the last three days deciding on my major, minor, and classes.

I plan to major in English with an emphasis on creative writing while still fulfilling premed requirements. The requirements will also earn me a minor in Human Biology. I am planning to study abroad at Oxford winter quarter of junior year. In the last two years of Stanford, I'll be overloaded with easy programming classes and statistics and delightfully-specific literature classes and creative writing courses.

There are fears though.

I have an entire year of science next year. Three quarters of two human biology cores and two chemistry classes. And then PWR on top of it. I don't dislike science, I just don't thrive in it. I fear that this overload will scare me off the premed track - and what happens then?

English is fun for me. I don't really want to do anything with it. I don't want to teach anymore, though that might change.

I'm also afraid that I might scare myself off the premed track. Do I want to become a doctor? I want to have that connection with patients, but if I don't have a passion for science, is it a career that will make me happy?

What will happen in medical school? Can I still have my fix for the liberal arts when I'm supposed to be learning medicine? What am I meant to do?
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[21 Nov 2006|01:03am]
An increasingly new winter wardrobe. Entirely blonde hair (minus the roots). Different habits, different perspectives. New boy interest, Jewish this time. Revamped schedule. Improved body.

I wonder how much more of myself I can possibly change before I finally feel like I'm over you.
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[30 Oct 2006|01:26am]
I'm an amazing person.

And damn if I don't look good as a vampire slayer.
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[24 Oct 2006|09:09pm]
You and I are not okay. You can call me your best friend and I you, but is still something wrong between us. I am so uncomprehensibly angry at you, I shake and fall onto my knees.

I expected so much more out of you. You were supposed to be so much more grown up than the boys I dated. You were supposed to understand me better than anyone else, and yet you betrayed me just as well as any of the others. How could you do any of those things to me?

How dare you "withdraw" yourself from me for weeks before the end? You have no excuse for this. Do you know how confused and alone you made me feel? I'm here without any close friends and you were supposed to be the one I could count on. You weren't doing anyone a favor by trying to not "lead me on," you were spitting on the trust I had given you. despite what my better judgement told me. You weren't withdrawn, you were a fucking asshole. You have no right to decide that you suddenly don't want a relationship and act accordingly without discussing it with me. You have no right to consciously decide to drift apart and let me continue putting myself at risk of getting hurt.

You weren't supposed to be the one who ended things. You are not allowed to be the jackass that you were those weeks and then decide you wanted to be just friends. You should be the one whose heart is broken. I should have never let you treat me that way, I should have called out your cowardice in front of all our friends. God knows you never gave me the courtesy of discreetness. I don't know how you could possibly not be aware of your childish antics when you openly insulted me and our personal issues during dinner.

I should have screamed at you then and there but I had too much respect for you. Even now I don't tell anyone how much you didn't deserve me. I know I was too good for you, but even now I won't tell anyone what you did becuase I'm above all that.

But I guess I shouldn't have expect much out of you anyways. What kind of morals could you have when you pressured me for sex in public? Shoving your hand down my pants or trying to take off my shirt was not funny. It disrespected me and showed how much of a pig you are.

I cannot even begin to understand why you've changed so much. You aren't as sweet or as soft as you used to be. The more I think about it, the better off I realize I am. I need someone with empathy and the ability to realize that other people exist.

You're getting off to easy on this. No one should still be your friend, you should be the one fighting the tears at night. You should wrestle with the monster you've become. You should bow down at my feet in apology for the shit you've pulled. I wish I could scream your sins to the world and make you feel embarassed as I do. If the only reason why you're upset is because I can't bring myself to look at you anymore, I wish that I would never see you again. If you feel unaffected and can lead a happy life, I'm not sure what to say anymore.

[09 Aug 2006|07:21pm]
As I was walking through Salinas today with my boyfriend, no less than 5 people called me a faggot, and very few people had the ability not to openly stare at us holding hands. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to step outside this realm of perfect, north-californian, liberal goodness

We sought sanctuary in a bookstore, as most of the people who heckled us were at the mall at 10 AM in the morning, suggesting that they were unemployed and thus less enlightened, and the clerk watched us walk around the store, constantly asking if we needed help. He later came up to us and said, "If you want, there's the new edition of XY out front." (XY is a very gay-themed magazine full of pictures of half-naked men.) And as we left, he said "thanks for coming in, guys."

So is it worth it? I think so.
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[05 Aug 2006|04:13pm]
I've been feeling really lonely and stir-crazy lately. I'm in this house all the time because I can't get a volunteering gig anywhere, and there are no classes that last for 5-6 weeks. I think I'm going to start appreciating this time alone, though, and do stuff that really make me happy, which may or may not include the following:

Working on my tennis serve (I want to improve my other shots, too, but the people I want to play with are usually busy)

Shopping for college stuff - I might just ask my parents to give me money, since I feel too much pressure to cut corners and save money when they come with me

Learning how to and making healthy foods that I actually can eat - smoothies and fries congest my bookmarks

I'm sure they'll be reading involved, but lately I've been so burned out on words and subject matters

Watching movies that I've wanted to see for a while, quite possibly by myself since it's so hard to get people together

Scoping for garage sales while on my bicycle, provided that I get a bicycle sometime soon

Refreshing on calculus, chemistry, biology, and literary allusions before school starts

Surely if you have any suggestions you'll leave them for me. I also want to do things with people, such as going to the underappreciated Great Mall, vegging out on milkshakes, looking at discounted clothing, and cooking.
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